P.Chidambaram's Dictionary

P Chidambaram seems to be having a dictionary quite different from ours. Happened to peep into the same… What I saw there was….

Word/ Phrase	Meaning
Intelligence	A rare commodity
Actionable intelligence	Oxymoron
Bomb Blasts	Something which cannot be prevented.
Statistics	To be quoted extensively after every terror attack to prove that such attacks are quite are normal.
Peace	That which perpetually eludes the country
PWD’s job	To fix CCTV cameras
Police’s job	To arrest Anna Hazare under Sec 144
States’ Job (especially BJP ruled States’ Job)	To solve terrorism related cases.
My Job	To bug Pranab Mukherjee’s office
Incompetence	My birthright
Shamelessness	I acquired in Sonia School
Arrogance	To attain the highest level of this trait, I compete with Kapil Sibal. Manish Tiwari, an earlier contender has fallen flat. With Digvijay Singh’s Certificate of Arrogance in my armour, I am now leading.
Crime	Something to be legitimized or legalized so that we have crime-less society. First I introduced Voluntary Disclosure of Income Scheme in 1997 where criminals were allowed to convert their black money into white at 1987 prices irrespective of whenever they acquired. Second I popularized P-Notes. While the western countries were freezing bank accounts of terrorist organizations, I allowed them investment opportunity in India. Now they can finance terror attacks with income earned in India-Swadeshi finance for bomb blasts! Third, I advised A Raja that sale of stake is not sale of spectrum so that he could achieve the biggest ever Rs. 1.76 cr scam.
Elections	To be won with the help of data entry operators of Election Commission after you are declared defeated!
India’s Budget	An annual lie. (I demonstrated this during my tenure as Finance Minister.)
Budget Speech of the Finance Minister	Need not have any relation to the Budget Document.
Arun Jaitely	Salaa…how I wish I can beat him in any one issue he takes up!
Top 3 News Channels	NDTV, NDTV and NDTV
My lady luck	Barkha Dutt
Naxal Terror	Appears to be a familiar phrase.
Color Codes: Black	Money
White	Only dress
Green	Peace
Saffron	Terror

Vikram, Vetal and Delhi Bomb Blast

Vikram climbed the tree and brought the corpse down. He carried the Vetal on his shoulder and started walking.  Vetal said,” Hey King Vikaramaditya, I will tell you a story. At the end of it I will ask you a few questions. If you do not the answer, I will remain your captive. On the other hand if you know the answer but keep quiet, your head will burst into pieces.

Vikram had handled this situation many times in the past. Being an intelligent King, he always knew the answer and the Vetal always escaped.

Vetal started the story.

There is a country called India. It has a neighbor called Pakistan.

India is ruled by a weak coalition government headed by a weaker Prime Minister remotely controlled by mysteriously powerful Italian lady.

Pakistan is ruled by the weakest ever government directly controlled by a strong, vengeful army. The favorite pastime of this army is to train terrorists, fund terror groups and export them to India.

These terrorists are frequent fliers to India or have season tickets in rail, road and sea transport to India.

They periodically bomb various parts of India- Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, Jaipur…..

Also they bomb same city again and again.

Go one step further. They bomb the same street again and again.

They are quite versatile. They use suitcase, bicycle, scooter, car or any other device to plant the bombs. Whether it is a hospital or a Court or a local train, it does not matter to them. They are at ease. They can cause explosion. After the assignment, they go back to Pakistan with ease.

They are very honest and transparent. After the explosion they promptly send emails claiming ‘credit’.

But do not underestimate Indians. They are smarter. They have competent police forces, investigative agencies, intelligence apparatus, etc headed by a still more competent Home Minister. His Ministry sends out intelligence inputs which are “unintelligible” to the recipients!

But his police force is very efficient. Immediately after the blast, they tell you whether-

·         it is a low intensity or a high intensity bomb.

·          RDX or Ammonium Nitrate or any other chemical substance is used.

·         It is a 1 kg or 2 kgs bomb.

·         Precise depth and length of the crater created by the bomb.

Their weak Prime Minister promptly condemns the bombing; vows to fight terrorism; assures the nation that he would not succumb to terrorism. (Only the ordinary people in the streets would succumb!)

The Home Minister would not like to be left alone. He also does not hesitate to condemn the attack. However he would not like to let his police force down- every bomb attack, according to him, happens in spite of the Police’ alertness; police protected the country in the intervening period from the previous attack to the present- be it 31 months or 3 months!

For whatever it is worth, the police release the pictures of suspects knowing very well that even if the suspects are apprehended, it would take years to sentence them; again it would take years for the President to decide on their mercy petition; there would be human rights groups praying for mercy on them; there would be State Assemblies asking for review of rejection of mercy petition.

The ruling party has a General Secretary who sees Hindu outfits and saffron color behind every apparent, Pakistan sponsored terrorist act.

India has a vibrant electronic media- it asks victims in the bomb site how they feel about it; it conducts long, unending, inconclusive debates.

Soon after the attack, everything becomes normal. If it is Mumbai, the next day Mumbaikars catch local trains and go to office; we hail their resilience. Delhi High Court is still better. Within few hours of bombing, it resumes hearings. Still more resilient! 

Symbolic message to an un-understanding terrorist group!

Concerned citizens light candles, express solidarity and give further more symbolic message!

Vetal ended the story and asked the following questions:

“Tell me O King! What is the meaning of Prime Minister’s condemnation? When the terrorists do such brazen act, why does the Prime Minister call it a cowardly act? What is the purpose of NIA or Natgrid if the country is not able to get credible intelligence? When the police know that the terrorists will not be punished, what interest would they have in apprehending the culprits? When the wife of a police offer knows that if her husband gets killed, the country will not bring the culprit to book will she allow her husband to become a sacrificial goat? When the Foreign Minister of Pakistan comes to India, why does the country forget these gruesome attacks and focuses instead on her blue colour dress, hair style and designer jewellery? Why is the ruling party unable to contain its General Secretary? When citizens return to normal life, do you call it their resilience or indifference?”

For the first time Vikram did not know the answer. He blinked. Vetal remained in his captivity.

And Vikram- Vetal story ended forever. 

PS: Pardon me for being sarcastic; it is my frustration. 

Impeachment of High Court Judges- a futile exercise

An overwhelming majority of Rajya Sabha voted in favour of impeaching Justice Soumitra Sen of Calcutta High Court on August 17. Lok Sabha was to debate the issue in the next few days. Meanwhile he resigned on September 1. His resignation was accepted. Lok Sabha dropped the impeachment proceedings. Justice Sen would get his retirement benefits. Everyone is happy.

The End.

Wholesome mockery! What else does one make of the above?

Certain goods which were rejected by Steel Authority of India Ltd (SAIL) were to be sold and the proceeds to be deposited in the Court. Sen, who was a practicing advocate at that time, was appointed as a Receiver to do this job in 1984-27 years back! By 1995 Sen had received a total of Rs. 33.23 lacs from the sale of goods. Despite repeated requests from SAIL, he did not submit the details of receipts. SAIL filed a suit against him in Calcutta High Court in 2002. He did not provide the accounts even when asked by the Court. The High Court, through a laborious process found out that he had received Rs. 33.23 lacs and had in fact used them by 1999. In other words it found him guilty. It ordered him to return the money along with interest. Sen, who had by that time become a Judge of the Calcutta High Court, paid Rs. 57.65 lacs!

Later Sen’s mother pleaded for deletion of adverse remarks about him in the Calcutta High Court judgment. A Division Bench of the Calcutta High Court ordered the deletion of the adverse remarks.  Justice Sen became clean!

Chief Justice K G Balakrishnan was, of course not convinced. He ordered a probe by a 3 judge panel. Justice Sen was found guilty by the panel. Thereafter K G Balakrishnan wrote to Prime Minister asking him to initiate impeachment proceedings.

Rajya Sabha took up the issue in 2009 and appointed a 3 member committee to probe into the matter. Again Justice Sen was guilty.

Thereafter what you read in the opening paragraph happened.

Look at it from Justice Sen’s angle.

• He utilized Rs. 33.23 lacs from 1995 to 2007- for a cool 12 years.

• He was found guilty. He returned Rs. 57.65 lacs with interest; it works out to a throw away 5% p.a. interest, if compounded annually! It will be still less if compounded half yearly or quarterly. (Technically if we treat that the misuse of money started from 1999 when the balance in the account was wiped out, it would still be just 7%.)

• He managed to get the adverse remarks against him deleted by a Division Bench.

• He resigned in the wake of impeachment proceedings and ensured his retirement benefits! Had the impeachment proceedings been successful, he would have lost the benefits.

Is this not ‘having the cake and eating it too?

And this is not an isolated case.

Justice P D Dinakaran was a judge of Madras High Court from 1996 to 2008 when he was promoted as Chief Justice of Karnataka High Court. In 2009 he was recommended for appointment to Supreme Court. Serious allegations started surfacing- land grabbing of enormous proportion, questionable judgments, etc. His elevation to Supreme Court was put on hold. Rajya Sabha started impeachment proceedings against him in 2010.

Justice K G Balakrishnan, who ordered an enquiry in Soumitra Sen’s case under similar circumstances, and 3 other judges thought it fit to recommend his transfer to Sikkim High Court.

Towards the end of July 2011 when a probe panel appointed by Rajya Sabha was still inquiring into the case, Justice Dinakaran resigned. His resignation was accepted.

No impeachment! Full retirement benefits!( As if this was not enough, Justice Dinakaran alleged that he was victimized because he was a Dalit!)

Before Justice Dinakaran it was Justice Ramaswamy.

You observe the same nauseating pattern.

Then there is a long list present and past Judges with questionable integrity as given by Prashant Bhushan.

My point is, why should the resignation of a Judge deter the government from proceeding with the impeachment? Why should it feel shy to act tough? Is land grabbing or misappropriation of money any nobler if done by a Judge?

Finally is impeachment a punitive, disciplinary action or a mere negotiating tool for cajoling an erring Judge to put in his resignation?      

“Humane” Death Penalty!

President Pratibha Patil rejects the mercy petition of Rajiv Gandhi killers.

A howl goes up! Commotion! A plethora of humanist views, conservative arguments!

Karunanidhi, whose cabinet had rejected the mercy petition of these people 12 years back, pleads for their release.

Jayalithaa said initially that she did not have the power to recommend mercy for these killers. A week later she does a "U" turn and passes a resolution in the assembly seeking the President to reconsider her decision!

Madras High Court readily agrees to stay the execution!

“This is State terrorism. They committed a crime…why should we also do the same by giving them death penalty.” That was Manishankar Aiyer’s piece of wisdom. (Soniaji! Manmohanji!! Please give him some Ministry before his frustration at being sidelined makes any irreparable loss to the nation.)

“139 countries have abolished death penalty. Why not India?” (An enquiry commission is needed on this. Someone says 180 countries, someone else says 150 while others are content with less than100. Hope they don’t quote higher number of countries than what exist in the world as having abolished death penalty!)

“Execution punishes the person only for 5 seconds whereas life imprisonment punishes him for years,” opines Ram Jethmalani.

“Sonia and Priyanka themselves have no issue with showing them mercy; who are you guys to object?” (Looks like families of victims have special pardoning power apart from President and State Governors!)

Magnanimity! Generosity! Wow!

No, says the widow of a 26/11 victim; she points out in NDTV that she is suffering life imprisonment, not Kasab.

No, say the widows of police personnel killed along with Rajiv Gandhi; they argue vehemently against any mercy for Rajiv killers.

Again a no by the widows of security personnel killed in the Parliament attack for any mercy to be shown to Afzal Guru.

“But this is rightwing cynicism! Hanging the killers is not going to give them back their husbands.”

In that case life imprisonment or for that matter any imprisonment also is not going to give their husbands back. Why punish the killers, at all?

I am an ordinary citizen; UPA’s aam aadmi! I get confused with these ‘for’ and ‘against’ arguments. A friend of mine helped.

‘Humane’ Death penalty is needed!

Also the laws in this regard have become arcane, he pointed out. Whether President can 

take 10 years to decide? Whether President is bound by Council of Ministers’ opinion? Whether State Assembly can pass a resolution for review of decision on mercy petition? 

A Jan Penal Code is the second need, my friend concluded.

Now I understand. After the Jan Lokpal agitation, I have come to the conclusion that drafting a law will solve the problem- be it corruption or death penalty.

For the uninitiated, Sec 302 of Indian Penal Code provides for death penalty while Articles 72(1) and 72(2) of the Constitution empower the President and State Governor respectively to grant mercy.

Here we have the draft of the new law.

Sec 302 of the Jan Penal Code to read as follows:

‘(1) While the Indian State recognizes the inalienable right of everyone to commit murder and such other heinous crimes, it is constrained to punish the guilty (achiever?) with death.

Provided that murder for the above Sub Section (1) does not include accidental, inadvertent or premeditated, coercive killing of a person.

(2) Nothing contained in Sub Section (1) above will apply to a murder committed by a person-

•  who is a Tamil or a Malayalee or a Kanadiga or a Telugu or a Kashmiri or a Bihari or a Gujarathi or a Maharashtrian or a Bengali or who lives in any of the other Indian States as the relevant sentiments, pride and culture of the State has to be respected or
• Who is not a citizen of India.

(3) To save the time of making a mercy petition to the President or Governor, it is provided that every judgment of a High Court or Supreme Court handing death sentence will automatically serve as a mercy petition to the President or Governor.

(4) In order to avoid any delays in President’s or Governor’s office in taking a decision on a mercy petition, it is further provided that if the President or Governor does not take a decision within 30 days of the High Court or Supreme Court judgment, it will be assumed that he has agreed to grant mercy.

(5) On the lines of Special Economic Zones (SEZ), the government will announce from time to time Special Terrorism Zones (STZ) where Indian or foreign terrorists are free to kill others and no court shall take cognizance of the offence.’

Nice draft! Murder is not murder; no Indian or foreigner can ever be punished under the above law!

But drafting a bill is not enough. You need to force the government to pass the same in the Parliament.

My friend advised me to form a Criminal Society. Manishankar Aiyer readily agreed to play ‘Arvind Kejrival’ for our Society. Arundhati Roy will be our Kiran Bedi.

So we applied to P Chidambaram’s Delhi Police seeking permission to undertake ‘fast unto death’ in Ramlila grounds. (We ignored the plea of “Political Fasting” last week to leave her alone.)

The Delhi Police have given us the following “reasonable” conditions for undertaking ‘fast unto death’ at Ramlila Grounds:

•             We should not fast for more than 3 hours between any two meals.
•             We should not fast for more than a day.
•             We should ensure that we do not get a crowd of more than 10 people.
•             While Delhi Police does not have any objection to people parking their vehicles in their houses and attending the fast, it has generously permitted the participants to park a maximum of 2 cars in NOIDA, 2 scooters in Gurgaon and one cycle in Chandigar. After parking their vehicles at the above mentioned places, the participants can walk to Ramilila Grounds.

The fast unto death is scheduled for September 31^st.

NDTV, CNN-IBN, Times Now and other channels have a permanent off-site crew at Ramlila. Hence the event will be fully covered.

Please do not lose the opportunity to participate in this historical movement.

Government can send Kapil Sibal to do the negotiations with us.

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do….

I am………. Chodo yaar…Naam mein kya hai!

As I am nearing 100 years, I cannot help being nostalgic.

Early 1900s…Those were the golden years.

Gandhiji introduced me to the world, like a new heroine. Till then people were using me in private. I was media shy.

When the Natal Government introduced immigration restrictions for Indians in South Africa, Gandhiji shook the shy out of me and used me in public. My first public exposure!

I was young. I was new. I was dashing. I caught everyone’s attention. Also my launch was from the hands of such an exalted personality as Gandhiji…Today’s Maniratnams and Madur Bhandarkars are no more than miniatures compared to him.

Ganhiji used me again and again; you  will not believe, for 17 times- for the untouchables issue, Ramsay MacDonald’s Communal Award, Hindu Muslim riots…Some of these ventures were successful while others were not.

But I felt safe in his hands.

Over a period others started romancing me. But you know a heroine, generally does not glitter as much under others as with her launcher- be it Madhoo under Maniratnam or Mahima Choudhry under Subhash Ghai or Sarita under Balachandar.

Jatindra Nath Das embraced me first in 1925 for 20 days when he protested against ill treatment of political prisoners in Mymensingh prison; fortunately for him the Jail Superintendent apologized and he left me. However when he again courted me for a long 69 days in 1929 while protesting against the pitiable conditions of prisoners in Lahore jail, he was not lucky enough- a very genuine person, a just cause and a noble romance. But poor soul, he died.

This was not just an isolated instance of my betrayal. There is a long list of others who I betrayed over the years:

•  Potti Sreeramulu, who fiercely hugged me for over two months while demanding a separate Andhra Pradesh, died.

•  Master Tara Singh, whose 48 day romance with me while protesting for a separate Sikh, Punjabi speaking state ended in failure.

•  Darshan Singh Pheruman who used me for 74 days while fighting for the inclusion of Chandigarh in Punjab, died.

•  Swami Nigamanand whose spiritual association with me for 73 days proved fatal. Poor soul, he was praying for saving Ganges from illegal mining.

But it was not that I was always a panoti for my lovers.

•  Morarji Desai deployed me successfully in 1974 when ensured dissolution of Gujarat Assembly and fresh elections.

•  Mamta Banerjee was successful in 2008 when she courted me for 26 days while fighting the Tata Nano Project. (though I feel shy to talk about this relationship!)

Some of my relationships are hanging in suspense.

•  Irom Sharmila’s poetic love for me for the past 11 years has not yet yielded any results.

• I feel quite shy to talk about my brief, passing affair with Baba Ramdev. The less said about it, the better.

• Anna Hazare used me briefly for 12 days last month. I do not yet know whether he succeeded or the Government, whether he left me or whether the media forced him to leave me, whether the Government will keep up its promise. I sincerely pray that he succeeds. I am not sounding negative because Kiran Bedi tried to usurp the heroine role from me through her self-proclaimed “Game changer” ghoongat act. Nevertheless I felt trivialized.

After 9 decades of experience, I have come to the conclusion that I do not determine the success or failure of our love. It is my lover, his stature, his charisma, his sincerity, nobility of his purpose and how well the purpose connects with the people, which result in the fruition of our love.

By now you would have guessed who I am.

Yes, I am ‘Political Fasting’!

Before I conclude, I should tell you about the insult I faced from Tamil Politicians and film personalities. They reduced me to a mere Item Girl; yes they invented “Token Fast”! Token for Srilankan Tamils, Token for Cauvery water and so on. Still worse was Karunanidhi, who went a step further and concluded his fast in 3 hours! That was perhaps a Mini Item Girl! (For those who know Tamil, “Eppadi irundha naan ippadi aayitten!”)

I am 90+ now. I am a yesteryear heroine- a Zeenat Aman, an Asha Parekh or a Wahida Rehman. I am ill suited for any more romance. 

My last request to you all. 

Mujh par daya karo!

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do!