After 21 years of experience....

(Bholu, 45, is a trader in cooking oil. Having spent 21 years in trading cooking oil, he is bored. Like the thousands of urban Indians, he wants to get into TV journalism, the most happening profession. His friend tells him that after long debates and exclusives (quick) bucks do not stop at the TV studio, but go directly to bank account!

Searching for the job, he lands in Navi Mumbai Television (NMTV). Ms. Durga Bhat, the editor in chief interviews him . What follows is the imaginary interview.)

Durga Bhat: Good morning Bholu. What do you expect from this job?

Bholu: Good morning, ma’am. It offers an opportunity to work with you, my dream anchor. I would be learning a lot from you!

DB: Suppose Naxals  kill 50 villagers in Chattisgarh. P Chidambaram says intelligence failure on the part of State Govt…

Bholu: Breaking news will be “PC shirks responsibility; blames State Govt…”

DB: No my dear….”PC calls for intelligence revamp!” Suppose Raman Singh says PC did not send enough CRPF personnel….

Bholu: Raman Singh points to Centre’s failure…

DB(cursing herself): When will you learn…..”Political blame game starts! Raman Singh passes the buck!” Do you understand?

Bholu: ……

DB: Gopinath Munde speaks against Gadhkari. What will you report?

Bholu: That in itself is a good caption…

PD: Galat…”Revolt in BJP”, “Tsunami in Saffron Brigade” are the right answers….

DB: Digvijay says Chidambaram is arrogant…Digvijay wants probe into bugging of Pranab’s office…

Bholu: I will report “Deep fissures in Congress”

DB: No … you’ll not go beyond “The outspoken Digvijay does it again!”…at the worst call him a maverick…or mad…isme Congress ko koi lena dena nahi hai…lets talk about Lokpal…

Bholu: I will highlight the attempts of the Govt and Congress to browbeat the corruption issue…schemes of Kapil Si…

DB( frustrated): Looks like I am wasting my time with you…Will you not ask “ Are Bhushans not supposed to quit Anna’s team?” Will you not talk about Santosh Hegde’a issues…fissures in Civil Society…

Bholu: But there is no hard evidence against Bhushans….

DB: I know…that’s why you will not ask Bhushans to quit…Instead you will ask…”Are 
Bhushans not supposed to quit?” Later on if turns out that Bhushans are innocent, you can always say we did not ask him to quit.. we only raised a question….

Bholu gulps the whole of the water from the 500ml bottle.

DB: Allahabad High Court is going to deliver judgement on Ayodhya dispute tomorrow…you have to hold a debate tonight…what will you analyse in your programme….?

Bholu: I will discuss historical, archeological evidence…call Chief of Archeological Survey to the programme…representatives of the plaintiff, defendant…

DB:oh…fo… kya bakwas…you don’t know secular reporting??? You should analyse the religion/ caste of the judges- whether the judge is an orthodox Hindu, whether he does puja, whether he cooks food for himself….what to expect from such a judge, leave to viewers…that’s subtle, secular reporting….

Bholu: Ha.. I understand…

DB: Also you’ll call Congress and BJP representatives so that Manish Tiwari can ask what the BJP did to solve the issue during its regime…that’s balanced reporting..ok…let me test you on corruption …2G scam …audio and video evidence against the minister…what’ll you do?

Bholu: I’ll call the Congress and BJP reps…

DB: Real Bholu ho tum! You should immediately have exclusive, exhaustive interview with A.Raja; otherwise Hindu will publish his interview before you….

Bholu: I don’t quite understand….why no balanced reporting now…

DB: Simple. See..Raja, Kanimozhi, Chidambaram, Kapil Sibal and the like have the first and exclusive right to be heard…you should not be disturbing them with opposite views…

Bholu: Ma’am, I have a question…

DB(encouragingly): Pucho..pucho…

Bholu: Suppose a big corporate approaches you thru’ a lobbyist…it wants a particular minister instead of another….what’ll you do?

DB: Maintain the contact. Develop it. Pass on the Corporate’s views to Govt and vice-versa…

Bholu: Will you not report in your programme that the Corporate is trying to a particular minister…that a lobbyist….

DB: That’s not a story…again a lesson for you…

Bholu: What is a story then?

DB: Whether the particular person got the berth.

Bholu: Ha…ha…ha…

DB: Why are you laughing so loudly….

Bholu: I am reminded of the old Sardarji joke. Sardarji was trying to climb the camel. Every time he tried, the camel stood up; so he could not climb. At that time he heard a girl crying for help. He finds 3-4 gundas trying to misbehave with her. He fights with them and saves the girl. The girl was very beautiful. She wants to show her gratitude; tells the Sardarji that he can use her the way he likes.

DB: What does he do?

Bholu: He tells her to hold the camel down so that he can climb…just like you said whether the person got the berth is the story….!

DB: Get the hell out of here!