Wanted a TV Anchor

(These faces have no relation whatsoever to this post; they have appeared here by mistake.)

‘Blah Blah 24x7’, the most watched (???), most respected (????) news channel in India today, requires not very urgently  an aggressive, laid-back, pliable, hardnosed, admit-no-mistake Anchor.

Candidates meeting the following requirements can apply (Candidates not meeting the requirements can also apply, but the Channel will not consider!):

Designation	Choose between ‘Editor-in-Chief’, ‘Managing Editor’, ‘Group Editor’, ’Political Affairs Editor.’
Reporting to	Yourself- you will be an autonomous entity not reporting to anyone; even if you are caught indulging in unethical journalistic behavior you will not be sacked because we do not know who you will be reporting to.
Age	Blah…blah…blah….
Qualification	Some more blah…blah…blah….
Experience	The ideal candidate will have a minimum of 10 years experience in- Disrupting conversations. Inviting guests and snubbing them. Raising voice and shouting at others during conversation. Switching off the mike when someone is talking.
Specialization	Having interviewed the celebrity earlier in the day you should be able to brazenly telecast it ‘live’ in the night in your prime time debate and subject him to ‘live’ questions by other panelists. As an investigative journalist, you should have the knack of developing and nurturing ‘reliable’, ‘highly placed sources’ viz. a panwalla/cobbler/dhobi near neta’s house, an auto driver in the stand near celebrity’s house Having read just the highlighted portions of judgments, you should be able to pose like a legal luminary in your show.
Key responsibilities and accountabilities	You should be able to innovatively misinterpret TRP data and claim leadership position for your channel. You should be able to conduct opinion polls the results of which will suit your pre-determined whims.
Achievements in past assignments	Candidates with any of the following achievements to their credit in their previous assignment will be given preference: Lobbying ministerial jobs for criminals and the corrupt. (Having been caught on tape will be an added advantage.) A murky past-Having taken unfair pecuniary advantage from a corrupt executive in DD, you should have later offered him a senior position in your channel. If you have exhibited your strong bias for or against a party by refusing to telecast a sting operation conducted by you, you can walk in and accept your appointment letter.
Personal attributes	Contempt for others. You should be so full of yourself. Ability to insult others. Intransigence. As a secular journalist, you should be a ‘progressive’, ‘liberal’. (Hobnobbing with ISI financed lobbyists in foreign soil, accepting their largesse will automatically qualify you as both a progressive and a liberal.) Shamelessness- Even when it is evident that your news story of the past few months is patently false, you should have the audacity to blame the government, Ministry of External Affairs.
Membership of professional bodies	You should be a life time member of Mutual Admiration Society. You should call shameless editors of newspapers to your debates in return for their publishing columns in their newspapers.