Friday, July 8, 2011

Kaun Banega Besharam (Congress prepares its spokespersons)

Obviously Sonia and Manmohan are concerned-every day a scam breaks out; Supreme Court indicts Govt, Prime Minister or GOM; CAG quantifies loss; even the most dependable CBI is flexing muscle under Supreme Court supervision. The TV channels have become unreliable; they were not this bad earlier; they have started debating each scam, getting “access” to this report or that letter or some document! And what is the performance of the Congress spokespersons in the TV debates? Pathetic!
Sonia and Manmohan decide to train the spokespersons so that they can handle media better. Now the imaginary training session:
Sonia (murmurs to herself): Nalayak..nikkamma…jokers…
Manish Tewari: Did you call me ma’am?
Manmohan: Nahi Manish…those are my titles…
Jayanti Natarajan: Arey Manish…yehi tumhara problem…when I am here, why will ma’am call some lallu-panju?
Abhishek Manusinghvi: Guys…guys…guys…Forget the Channels. Have you seen yourselves in the mirror? Incorrigible! You cannot handle contradictions…Look at me. As a lawyer I defend the same Bhopal criminals, same Kerala lottery owners who as a Congress spokesperson I criticize…
Sonia (irritated): Bas…Bas…Bas. When do you guys become smart? You have not been able to defend in the debates. Look at the attacks of Ravishankar Prasad, Rajeev Pratap Rudy …Kaash wo log Congress main hote…
Manish: With due respect ma’am…
Sonia: For heaven’s sake…this is not your bakwas TV debate…talk normally…
Manish: They hit us from all sides…kabi CVC, kabi CWG, kabi 2 G,, kabi Adarsh…you tell us how to manage…
Sonia: As spokesperson you should not be affected by the number of scams…you should develop thick skin…
Manish: Ma’am…skin itna thick ho go ya…. I do not wear sweater in winter.
Sonia: You are not proactive…that’s why you don’t know how to handle when a scam surfaces…
Jayanti: I agree with you ma’am…We should get early warning signals so that we can be proactive.
Abishek: Why don’t we do like this….So far every minister/scamster thought it fit to write to PM beforehand. So as soon as a minister writes a letter to PM, before keeping quiet, PM should inform us, the spokespersons. Then we know a scam is brewing and we can be proactive….
Sonia: Shut up, Abishek.
Manish: Take the 2G scam…when CAG report became public, we maintained that only PAC can debate it, not the TV channels. When PAC report was ready, we dumped the PAC….
Jayanti: When BJP demanded Raja’s resignation/ sacking, we maintained it was PM’s prerogative…When Raja was forced to resign after Supreme Court’s intervention, we said this Govt has acted tough on corruption! See the impressive list of corrupt against whom UPA has acted tough…Sashi Tharoor, Ashok Chavan, Suresh Kalmadi, A Raja…still counting…
Manmohan: I wonder whether this long list is a virtue or shame. Does this list not imply that we allowed so many to indulge in corruption rather than acting tough…
Abhishek: Yes…Jayanti doesn’t understand how BJP can use this…that’s why I have said in all the shows that BJP did not act on Yeddiyurappa….one Yeddi can help us in 10 of our scams…how I wish court admits this-BJP’s inaction in a scam- as a justification for our scams and acquits….
Kapil Sibal: Bachoo…tum lawer ho…sharam aathahai mujhe….see what I said…the best argument ever in the 2G scam…there is zero loss on spectrum auction! (giggles, with his “raakshas” eyebrows enlarging, as he does in his interviews.)
P.Chidhambaram: Better still would be to say that spectrum was not auctioned at all! Or, Raja was not telecom minister at all! See how I said that there was no case against P J Thomas and grabbed the headlines…so long as there is obliging NDTV, Hindu….
Sonia: Is that a victory? Do you boast about it? Supreme Court has set aside his appointment.
Manmohan(looking lost): We respect Court’s verdict.
Sonia (shakes Manmohan’s shoulders): For god’s sake…Manmohan, hosh main aao….you are not giving an interview…
Barkha Dutt enters the room.
Barkha: Ma’am Chidambaram is right!
Sonia: What? What is right?
Barkha: I do not know…but main itna jaanthi hu…whatever Chidambaram says is right.
Manish(contemptuously): Are you referring to what he said on Telengana?
PC: Manish, I do not like your cheap jokes…
Jayanti(changing the topic): Barkha, why do you call BJP guys to “Buck Stops Here”? If you want different views, call DMK guys…
Barkha (murmurs to herself): Whatever half or one TRP that I am getting now…after Times Now…I’ll lose…
Kapil: Take the CAG report on KG basin issue…these guys have messed up in the media…ma’am, please make me minister for petroleum also…I will argue that Reliance did not incur cost at all…
Sonia: Enough of the past…let’s come to the current issue…Supreme Court has formed an SIT for investigating black money….how do we handle…what do we do….
PC(eager to be first): Ma’am, immediately transfer the money out of …..
Sonia: Shhhh…I am not talking about that…how to handle it in the media?
Barkha: We will cover Rahul’s padhyatra in Maya’s UP extensively…
Manmohan: Bharka, we are not talking about your channel…there other popular channels…Times Now, Aaj tak…
Jayanti: I will argue how this Govt has acted tough on corruption…see the impressive list….
Sonia: Stop…stop…you know…
Jayanti(raises her voice and continues talking as she does in debate): Sashi Tharoor..Ashok Chavan…
Sonia: Stop…main…main..Sonia bolrahee hu….
Jayanti (continues in high pitched voice): You’ve no right to interrupt me…
Manish(shakes her out of her imaginary debate): Jayanti…Ma’am is asking you to stop…not TV anchor…
Abhishek: Let’s ask…what did BJP do in 2003 to solve black money…
Sonia: But black money issue started afterwards…you’ve only one argument for every problem….disgusting…
PC: Can I arrange to bug BJP headquarters so that we can come to know what BJP is thinking….
Manish: Arey baba…no… we are yet to come out of bugging Pranab’s office…not again.
Manmohan: Can I meet the editors again? This time may be at 9pm or 10pm when the TV channels debate uncomfortable issues…we divert attention….
Sonia: Chup…Chup…ek dum chup….your last meeting with newspaper editors was more uncomfortable than any other uncomfortable issue so far…you’re better off as silent PM.
Manmohan: Just as I had said earlier that poor Quotrochchi should not be harassed by CBI and Courts….can we say now that Courts should not harass black money holders…
PC: I like this line of thinking of Manmohan. CAG should not audit frauds; if it finds, it should not report; if it reports, it should not hold press conference. CBI should not investigate. Election Commission should not restrain political parties…Courts should not interfere…
Barkha: Media can take this argument further…judicial overreach…Harish Salve can talk hours together…it will be a national debate…Politicians, lawyers, social workers, corporate…I get back some of my lost TRPs….     
Pranab Mukherjee: Wo sub teek hai. But aam aadmi kya soche ga?
Sonia, Manmohan, Manish, Jayanti, Abishek, PC, Kapil together: Aam aadmi? Seems to be a familiar phrase… When did we hear about him last?

1 comment:

  1. Interesting...But why this obsession with Barkha?

    ReplyDelete