Nation needs a Plumber

India needs a Chief Plumber urgently to arrest the leaks of confidential reports to Media. 


Grappled with an unprecedented surge in the leak of confidential governmental reports to media, the Cabinet Committee on Security met yesterday to find a solution. The Cabinet Secretary brought the following leaks to the attention of the members:   

• CAG report on Coal scam leaked to press.

• Opposition leaks CAG report on Vilasrao Deshmukh

• Senior Minister in Manmohan Singh government might have leaked the non-notified movement of army to Indian Express, alleges The Sunday Guardian.

• DNA India published  the letter General V K Singh wrote to the Prime Minister.

• Various documents of the army relating to Tatra deal are accessed by media.  

Cabinet reviewed the following options:

• Officialize the leaks to media. Instead of placing the reports before the Parliament or a Committee of the Parliament, it was suggested that the reports could be directly released to media. While P Chidambaram was comfortable with this path-breaking solution, other members expressed reservation.

• Appoint a Chief Plumber to arrest the leaks. The Chief Plumber will be accorded constitutional status like Chief Election Commissioner, the CAG, the Proposed Lokpal, etc.

The second option was accepted after a majority of the members of the Committee favored the same. Accordingly the Department of Personnel under the Home Ministry released advertisements for the post of Chief Plumber.

Wanted a TV Anchor

(These faces have no relation whatsoever to this post; they have appeared here by mistake.)

‘Blah Blah 24x7’, the most watched (???), most respected (????) news channel in India today, requires not very urgently  an aggressive, laid-back, pliable, hardnosed, admit-no-mistake Anchor.

Candidates meeting the following requirements can apply (Candidates not meeting the requirements can also apply, but the Channel will not consider!):

Designation	Choose between ‘Editor-in-Chief’, ‘Managing Editor’, ‘Group Editor’, ’Political Affairs Editor.’
Reporting to	Yourself- you will be an autonomous entity not reporting to anyone; even if you are caught indulging in unethical journalistic behavior you will not be sacked because we do not know who you will be reporting to.
Age	Blah…blah…blah….
Qualification	Some more blah…blah…blah….
Experience	The ideal candidate will have a minimum of 10 years experience in- Disrupting conversations. Inviting guests and snubbing them. Raising voice and shouting at others during conversation. Switching off the mike when someone is talking.
Specialization	Having interviewed the celebrity earlier in the day you should be able to brazenly telecast it ‘live’ in the night in your prime time debate and subject him to ‘live’ questions by other panelists. As an investigative journalist, you should have the knack of developing and nurturing ‘reliable’, ‘highly placed sources’ viz. a panwalla/cobbler/dhobi near neta’s house, an auto driver in the stand near celebrity’s house Having read just the highlighted portions of judgments, you should be able to pose like a legal luminary in your show.
Key responsibilities and accountabilities	You should be able to innovatively misinterpret TRP data and claim leadership position for your channel. You should be able to conduct opinion polls the results of which will suit your pre-determined whims.
Achievements in past assignments	Candidates with any of the following achievements to their credit in their previous assignment will be given preference: Lobbying ministerial jobs for criminals and the corrupt. (Having been caught on tape will be an added advantage.) A murky past-Having taken unfair pecuniary advantage from a corrupt executive in DD, you should have later offered him a senior position in your channel. If you have exhibited your strong bias for or against a party by refusing to telecast a sting operation conducted by you, you can walk in and accept your appointment letter.
Personal attributes	Contempt for others. You should be so full of yourself. Ability to insult others. Intransigence. As a secular journalist, you should be a ‘progressive’, ‘liberal’. (Hobnobbing with ISI financed lobbyists in foreign soil, accepting their largesse will automatically qualify you as both a progressive and a liberal.) Shamelessness- Even when it is evident that your news story of the past few months is patently false, you should have the audacity to blame the government, Ministry of External Affairs.
Membership of professional bodies	You should be a life time member of Mutual Admiration Society. You should call shameless editors of newspapers to your debates in return for their publishing columns in their newspapers.

Career advice from Anna for youngsters

(A group of 4 students meets Anna to seek his advice on what career they should pursue. Let’s listen to the conversation, imaginary of course.)

Student 1: Anna, we know you have a vision for India. Please let us know our role- the role of youngsters, students- in your vision….

Anna: Bachcho ….you should concentrate on your studies…well educated youth only can realize the vision I have for India.

Student 1: Exactly Anna…that’s where we need your guidance…please let us know the profession we should choose…the career we should pursue….

Anna: My first priority would be law…you should pursue a career in law. You’ll have lot of opportunities in new India…

Student 1: How is that, Anna?

Anna: Because the legal framework of the country will be undergoing a paradigm shift…pucho kaise…so far we Indians have been believing law by itself cannot curb violations, crimes, etc….now that’s changing…you need only a Lokpal Bill. All corruption will be wiped out. Paradigm shift, no?

Student 1: But how will that increase our job opportunities….?

Anna: One, many Lokpals and Lok Ayuktas will be appointed- that means job opportunities for you guys…. Two, we need lawyers to prosecute offenders….

Student 1: Yes…also you need lawyers to defend the suspects before the Lokpals and….

Anna: No…no…you’re still in the old school of legal thought. There is no concept of defence or suspect… nor is there any concept of innocent till proved guilty. Another paradigm shift! The Lokpal or Lok Ayukta decides that someone is corrupt, say in a mining scam. He conducts a Press Conference and delivers his judgment. No need to give the accused a chance to defend.

Student 2: Sir, what further opportunities exist for this new breed of lawyers?

Anna: Just as the banking software from India is unique and the Western world has grabbed it, the new legal system of the country is going to be unique. We can patent it and export to other countries. Just as IT professionals, you will get jobs abroad to practice this unique law.

Stuent 2: Can you explain further this unique law, Anna?

Anna: For example the law of evidence will undergo a massive change. Perception is the most important form of evidence- more important than eyewitnesses, documentary evidence or circumstantial evidence. Legislators are perceived to be criminals and looters. Hence they are criminals and looters.

Studen 2: ……………………….

Anna: Similarly the system of punishment…. Let me give two examples. If someone slaps a Minister perceived to be corrupt, the law will mandate him to slap on the other cheek as well….who said we are soft on Hindus and BJP? This ‘other cheek’ law will be liked by Christians… Similarly you can tie the offenders to lamp posts and public can flog them …Now that presents a great export opportunity to a hitherto-unexplored territory. Indian Banking software has found acceptance in the Christian led Western countries. Now we will get clients for the new law from the Muslim led Middle East as well……

Student 2: Anna….but these changes……

Anna: Not just these changes…..right to fast will be a fundamental right. Does any country in the world provide for this right? Rashtrapati Bhawan and Governor Bungalows in the State capitals will be converted into Fasting Centres.

Student 3 (who had been patiently listening to the discussion so far but was not convinced): Sir….is there any other profession you would suggest that we pursue….

Anna: My next choice is.…..police.

Student 3 (happy with the choice…): We get a chance to curb crimes, maintain law & order….

Anna: No…no…that the existing police force will do…you will file FIRs against Ministers and legislators. Under the new legal framework as soon as a person is elected to the legislative assembly or parliament an FIR will be filed against him….

Student 3 (unable to understand): For what crime, sir?

Anna: That can be decided later. But FIR has to be filed first. These called “Presumptive FIRS”- again a new concept.

Student 4 (not satisfied with the discussion so far): Can you suggest some other career for us, Anna?

Anna: Definitely…politics.

Student 4: Politics? I thought you are against politics and politicians.

Anna: Yes…I am against current politics and politics but not against future system of politics.

Student 4: What change are you contemplating in the political system?

Anna: There will be elections every day in some constituency or other….For example if we make a demand and the concerned Minister does not agree to the same, there will be election in his constituency the next day….election a day, makes the politician’s day…

Student 4: Sir ….but……..

Anna: But let me explain the most important change in the political system that our team will bring about.  Currently a mass leader like Sonia Gandhi makes a puppet like Manmohan Singh the Prime Minsiter and controls him. Lallu Prasad Yadav made his wife Rabri Devi the Chief Minister. In the new system puppets likes Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi will control mass leaders like me. So that presents an opportunity for you guys…you can become the powerful puppets…

Students 1 to 4: …………………………..????!!!!!!

Closed, Sealed, Confidential letter to the PM

Manmohan Singh on board the Air India One Flight

Sir,

You must be tired of Open Letters, especially when you receive so many of them these days. Anybody and everybody in media, be it the all powerful Editors-in-Chief of Print or Electronic media or the once powerful-now humbled Editors or the emerging creed called Bloggers, seems to think that it is his fundamental right to write an open letter to you, ask 6,8, 10 or other varying number of questions to you. But I want to catch your attention; hence this closed, sealed, confidential letter. As has been your practice, you can “acknowledge” this letter. As has become the fashion these days, I can leak this letter and your “acknowledgment.” Aap be kush; main be kush.

You complained in your Air India One flight yesterday that the opposition was prematurely restless and wanted to force an early election. You made your point, at the right time so that the electronic media could dwell on it rather than the Chidu- Pranab conundrum during prime time debates. Clever!

Now that your interview is over, you can put on your seat belt, sit back, relax and ponder over a few things.

Faced with a deluge of scams, I know you would not like to ponder over them; you will again be tired. Don’t worry. I want you to look at the positives you have brought in corruption management. It will be music to your ears. When one senior minister ‘allegedly’ bugs the office of another so that he can proactively prevent the latter from indulging in anything murky, the latter pays back with impunity; he authorizes a ‘low level’ Deputy Director in his ministry to release a note accusing his predecessor of inaction, that too when he is in a foreign country. When there are such internal checks and balances, does the country really need a Lokpal? Opposition is really restless!

Since Gujarat Government cannot boast of these checks and balances, it needs a Lokayukta. Pugnacious Narendra Modi does not understand this and hold a Maha Rally. Obviously he had to be ignored while appointing the Lokayukta. And this is not done without a precedent. When Sushma Swaraj did not concur with the other two members of the committee, was she not ignored in the appointment of CVC? It is another matter that the Supreme Court later set asidehis appointment.

Supreme Court was also flexing its muscles a few months back. After the resignation of the Solicitor General and the shifting of the then Law Minister, you seem to have managed the problem for the time being. Also the threat that you have incorporated in the Judicial Accountability Bill viz. ‘no unwarranted comments during hearing’ seems to have had the desired effect in silencing the Supreme Court. However let’s not prematurely conclude on this, like the opposition. Let’s see what the Court has to say on the need to investigate Chidambaram’s role.

Let’s turn to Governance. They say that a good government is one where people do not ‘feel’ the government. UPA 2’s performance is unparalleled in this regard. Telengana agitation has been continuing for days. Has anyone ever felt that there is a government which will solve the problem? Terrorists have been bombing Mumbai and Delhi. Your Home Minister told the people that security is their business! Has he not successfully moved governance to people?

The independence you have given to your council of ministers has not been appreciated either by the opposition or by the media. Dayanidhi Maran, and later on Raja could decide on spectrum pricing, independent of the GOM. Murli Deora could gift 25% of the Total Contract Area in KG Basin to a private company. Chidambaram could promise a separate Telengana and shamelessly could go back on the promise. Jairam Ramesh or Jayanti Natarajan could hold economic development to ransom in the name of environment protection. Mamata Banerjee when she was the Railways Minister could make Indian Railways the West Bengal Railways. If the opposition equates this empowerment with abdication of responsibility, it is of course its myopic view.

Media says growth is slowing down- from the expected 9% to 7.7%. But why don’t they see that inflation is going up. If something is going down, is it not compensated by something else going up?

Arun Jaitley says that your government will not last the full term. How dare he... 


"We are commencing our descent." That's the pilot. Please do not mistake him; he is talking about the flight. Please sit straight and get ready for the descent.

Yours Sincerely,

Aaam Aadmi

P.Chidambaram's Dictionary

P Chidambaram seems to be having a dictionary quite different from ours. Happened to peep into the same… What I saw there was….

Word/ Phrase	Meaning
Intelligence	A rare commodity
Actionable intelligence	Oxymoron
Bomb Blasts	Something which cannot be prevented.
Statistics	To be quoted extensively after every terror attack to prove that such attacks are quite are normal.
Peace	That which perpetually eludes the country
PWD’s job	To fix CCTV cameras
Police’s job	To arrest Anna Hazare under Sec 144
States’ Job (especially BJP ruled States’ Job)	To solve terrorism related cases.
My Job	To bug Pranab Mukherjee’s office
Incompetence	My birthright
Shamelessness	I acquired in Sonia School
Arrogance	To attain the highest level of this trait, I compete with Kapil Sibal. Manish Tiwari, an earlier contender has fallen flat. With Digvijay Singh’s Certificate of Arrogance in my armour, I am now leading.
Crime	Something to be legitimized or legalized so that we have crime-less society. First I introduced Voluntary Disclosure of Income Scheme in 1997 where criminals were allowed to convert their black money into white at 1987 prices irrespective of whenever they acquired. Second I popularized P-Notes. While the western countries were freezing bank accounts of terrorist organizations, I allowed them investment opportunity in India. Now they can finance terror attacks with income earned in India-Swadeshi finance for bomb blasts! Third, I advised A Raja that sale of stake is not sale of spectrum so that he could achieve the biggest ever Rs. 1.76 cr scam.
Elections	To be won with the help of data entry operators of Election Commission after you are declared defeated!
India’s Budget	An annual lie. (I demonstrated this during my tenure as Finance Minister.)
Budget Speech of the Finance Minister	Need not have any relation to the Budget Document.
Arun Jaitely	Salaa…how I wish I can beat him in any one issue he takes up!
Top 3 News Channels	NDTV, NDTV and NDTV
My lady luck	Barkha Dutt
Naxal Terror	Appears to be a familiar phrase.
Color Codes: Black	Money
White	Only dress
Green	Peace
Saffron	Terror

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do….

I am………. Chodo yaar…Naam mein kya hai!

As I am nearing 100 years, I cannot help being nostalgic.

Early 1900s…Those were the golden years.

Gandhiji introduced me to the world, like a new heroine. Till then people were using me in private. I was media shy.

When the Natal Government introduced immigration restrictions for Indians in South Africa, Gandhiji shook the shy out of me and used me in public. My first public exposure!

I was young. I was new. I was dashing. I caught everyone’s attention. Also my launch was from the hands of such an exalted personality as Gandhiji…Today’s Maniratnams and Madur Bhandarkars are no more than miniatures compared to him.

Ganhiji used me again and again; you  will not believe, for 17 times- for the untouchables issue, Ramsay MacDonald’s Communal Award, Hindu Muslim riots…Some of these ventures were successful while others were not.

But I felt safe in his hands.

Over a period others started romancing me. But you know a heroine, generally does not glitter as much under others as with her launcher- be it Madhoo under Maniratnam or Mahima Choudhry under Subhash Ghai or Sarita under Balachandar.

Jatindra Nath Das embraced me first in 1925 for 20 days when he protested against ill treatment of political prisoners in Mymensingh prison; fortunately for him the Jail Superintendent apologized and he left me. However when he again courted me for a long 69 days in 1929 while protesting against the pitiable conditions of prisoners in Lahore jail, he was not lucky enough- a very genuine person, a just cause and a noble romance. But poor soul, he died.

This was not just an isolated instance of my betrayal. There is a long list of others who I betrayed over the years:

•  Potti Sreeramulu, who fiercely hugged me for over two months while demanding a separate Andhra Pradesh, died.

•  Master Tara Singh, whose 48 day romance with me while protesting for a separate Sikh, Punjabi speaking state ended in failure.

•  Darshan Singh Pheruman who used me for 74 days while fighting for the inclusion of Chandigarh in Punjab, died.

•  Swami Nigamanand whose spiritual association with me for 73 days proved fatal. Poor soul, he was praying for saving Ganges from illegal mining.

But it was not that I was always a panoti for my lovers.

•  Morarji Desai deployed me successfully in 1974 when ensured dissolution of Gujarat Assembly and fresh elections.

•  Mamta Banerjee was successful in 2008 when she courted me for 26 days while fighting the Tata Nano Project. (though I feel shy to talk about this relationship!)

Some of my relationships are hanging in suspense.

•  Irom Sharmila’s poetic love for me for the past 11 years has not yet yielded any results.

• I feel quite shy to talk about my brief, passing affair with Baba Ramdev. The less said about it, the better.

• Anna Hazare used me briefly for 12 days last month. I do not yet know whether he succeeded or the Government, whether he left me or whether the media forced him to leave me, whether the Government will keep up its promise. I sincerely pray that he succeeds. I am not sounding negative because Kiran Bedi tried to usurp the heroine role from me through her self-proclaimed “Game changer” ghoongat act. Nevertheless I felt trivialized.

After 9 decades of experience, I have come to the conclusion that I do not determine the success or failure of our love. It is my lover, his stature, his charisma, his sincerity, nobility of his purpose and how well the purpose connects with the people, which result in the fruition of our love.

By now you would have guessed who I am.

Yes, I am ‘Political Fasting’!

Before I conclude, I should tell you about the insult I faced from Tamil Politicians and film personalities. They reduced me to a mere Item Girl; yes they invented “Token Fast”! Token for Srilankan Tamils, Token for Cauvery water and so on. Still worse was Karunanidhi, who went a step further and concluded his fast in 3 hours! That was perhaps a Mini Item Girl! (For those who know Tamil, “Eppadi irundha naan ippadi aayitten!”)

I am 90+ now. I am a yesteryear heroine- a Zeenat Aman, an Asha Parekh or a Wahida Rehman. I am ill suited for any more romance. 

My last request to you all. 

Mujh par daya karo!

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do!

Missing....

Manish Tewari has been missing from TV debates for the past one week. Did you notice? I am quite concerned; so are his longtime pals, the English News Channels. I decided to help them by placing this "Missing" ad:

Name	Manish Tewari
Missing for	The last one week
Clothes worn by him when lost	·     Blue shirt and black trousers ·     Lekin nanga ho gaya (Anna Hazare ke bare mein anab-shanab bol ne ke badh)
Age	46, but looks much older
Colour	Changes frequently
Looks	·     Pale, off late ·     Idiotic generally
Height	Shortened by ego.
Weight Surrounded by	Fattened by arrogance. . Idiots generally. . Jayanti Natarajan and Abhishek Manusinghvi in   particular.
Last seen	Blabbering incoherent things about Anna Hazare in TV Channels
If found	·     Please do not intimate anyone. ·     Certainly not the TV Channels
Reward for non-intimation	Blessings from 1.20 billion people of India.
Penalty for intimation	Curse, if not from 1.20 billion Indians, definitely from TV viewers.