“Humane” Death Penalty!

President Pratibha Patil rejects the mercy petition of Rajiv Gandhi killers.

A howl goes up! Commotion! A plethora of humanist views, conservative arguments!

Karunanidhi, whose cabinet had rejected the mercy petition of these people 12 years back, pleads for their release.

Jayalithaa said initially that she did not have the power to recommend mercy for these killers. A week later she does a "U" turn and passes a resolution in the assembly seeking the President to reconsider her decision!

Madras High Court readily agrees to stay the execution!

“This is State terrorism. They committed a crime…why should we also do the same by giving them death penalty.” That was Manishankar Aiyer’s piece of wisdom. (Soniaji! Manmohanji!! Please give him some Ministry before his frustration at being sidelined makes any irreparable loss to the nation.)

“139 countries have abolished death penalty. Why not India?” (An enquiry commission is needed on this. Someone says 180 countries, someone else says 150 while others are content with less than100. Hope they don’t quote higher number of countries than what exist in the world as having abolished death penalty!)

“Execution punishes the person only for 5 seconds whereas life imprisonment punishes him for years,” opines Ram Jethmalani.

“Sonia and Priyanka themselves have no issue with showing them mercy; who are you guys to object?” (Looks like families of victims have special pardoning power apart from President and State Governors!)

Magnanimity! Generosity! Wow!

No, says the widow of a 26/11 victim; she points out in NDTV that she is suffering life imprisonment, not Kasab.

No, say the widows of police personnel killed along with Rajiv Gandhi; they argue vehemently against any mercy for Rajiv killers.

Again a no by the widows of security personnel killed in the Parliament attack for any mercy to be shown to Afzal Guru.

“But this is rightwing cynicism! Hanging the killers is not going to give them back their husbands.”

In that case life imprisonment or for that matter any imprisonment also is not going to give their husbands back. Why punish the killers, at all?

I am an ordinary citizen; UPA’s aam aadmi! I get confused with these ‘for’ and ‘against’ arguments. A friend of mine helped.

‘Humane’ Death penalty is needed!

Also the laws in this regard have become arcane, he pointed out. Whether President can 

take 10 years to decide? Whether President is bound by Council of Ministers’ opinion? Whether State Assembly can pass a resolution for review of decision on mercy petition? 

A Jan Penal Code is the second need, my friend concluded.

Now I understand. After the Jan Lokpal agitation, I have come to the conclusion that drafting a law will solve the problem- be it corruption or death penalty.

For the uninitiated, Sec 302 of Indian Penal Code provides for death penalty while Articles 72(1) and 72(2) of the Constitution empower the President and State Governor respectively to grant mercy.

Here we have the draft of the new law.

Sec 302 of the Jan Penal Code to read as follows:

‘(1) While the Indian State recognizes the inalienable right of everyone to commit murder and such other heinous crimes, it is constrained to punish the guilty (achiever?) with death.

Provided that murder for the above Sub Section (1) does not include accidental, inadvertent or premeditated, coercive killing of a person.

(2) Nothing contained in Sub Section (1) above will apply to a murder committed by a person-

•  who is a Tamil or a Malayalee or a Kanadiga or a Telugu or a Kashmiri or a Bihari or a Gujarathi or a Maharashtrian or a Bengali or who lives in any of the other Indian States as the relevant sentiments, pride and culture of the State has to be respected or
• Who is not a citizen of India.

(3) To save the time of making a mercy petition to the President or Governor, it is provided that every judgment of a High Court or Supreme Court handing death sentence will automatically serve as a mercy petition to the President or Governor.

(4) In order to avoid any delays in President’s or Governor’s office in taking a decision on a mercy petition, it is further provided that if the President or Governor does not take a decision within 30 days of the High Court or Supreme Court judgment, it will be assumed that he has agreed to grant mercy.

(5) On the lines of Special Economic Zones (SEZ), the government will announce from time to time Special Terrorism Zones (STZ) where Indian or foreign terrorists are free to kill others and no court shall take cognizance of the offence.’

Nice draft! Murder is not murder; no Indian or foreigner can ever be punished under the above law!

But drafting a bill is not enough. You need to force the government to pass the same in the Parliament.

My friend advised me to form a Criminal Society. Manishankar Aiyer readily agreed to play ‘Arvind Kejrival’ for our Society. Arundhati Roy will be our Kiran Bedi.

So we applied to P Chidambaram’s Delhi Police seeking permission to undertake ‘fast unto death’ in Ramlila grounds. (We ignored the plea of “Political Fasting” last week to leave her alone.)

The Delhi Police have given us the following “reasonable” conditions for undertaking ‘fast unto death’ at Ramlila Grounds:

•             We should not fast for more than 3 hours between any two meals.
•             We should not fast for more than a day.
•             We should ensure that we do not get a crowd of more than 10 people.
•             While Delhi Police does not have any objection to people parking their vehicles in their houses and attending the fast, it has generously permitted the participants to park a maximum of 2 cars in NOIDA, 2 scooters in Gurgaon and one cycle in Chandigar. After parking their vehicles at the above mentioned places, the participants can walk to Ramilila Grounds.

The fast unto death is scheduled for September 31^st.

NDTV, CNN-IBN, Times Now and other channels have a permanent off-site crew at Ramlila. Hence the event will be fully covered.

Please do not lose the opportunity to participate in this historical movement.

Government can send Kapil Sibal to do the negotiations with us.

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do….

I am………. Chodo yaar…Naam mein kya hai!

As I am nearing 100 years, I cannot help being nostalgic.

Early 1900s…Those were the golden years.

Gandhiji introduced me to the world, like a new heroine. Till then people were using me in private. I was media shy.

When the Natal Government introduced immigration restrictions for Indians in South Africa, Gandhiji shook the shy out of me and used me in public. My first public exposure!

I was young. I was new. I was dashing. I caught everyone’s attention. Also my launch was from the hands of such an exalted personality as Gandhiji…Today’s Maniratnams and Madur Bhandarkars are no more than miniatures compared to him.

Ganhiji used me again and again; you  will not believe, for 17 times- for the untouchables issue, Ramsay MacDonald’s Communal Award, Hindu Muslim riots…Some of these ventures were successful while others were not.

But I felt safe in his hands.

Over a period others started romancing me. But you know a heroine, generally does not glitter as much under others as with her launcher- be it Madhoo under Maniratnam or Mahima Choudhry under Subhash Ghai or Sarita under Balachandar.

Jatindra Nath Das embraced me first in 1925 for 20 days when he protested against ill treatment of political prisoners in Mymensingh prison; fortunately for him the Jail Superintendent apologized and he left me. However when he again courted me for a long 69 days in 1929 while protesting against the pitiable conditions of prisoners in Lahore jail, he was not lucky enough- a very genuine person, a just cause and a noble romance. But poor soul, he died.

This was not just an isolated instance of my betrayal. There is a long list of others who I betrayed over the years:

•  Potti Sreeramulu, who fiercely hugged me for over two months while demanding a separate Andhra Pradesh, died.

•  Master Tara Singh, whose 48 day romance with me while protesting for a separate Sikh, Punjabi speaking state ended in failure.

•  Darshan Singh Pheruman who used me for 74 days while fighting for the inclusion of Chandigarh in Punjab, died.

•  Swami Nigamanand whose spiritual association with me for 73 days proved fatal. Poor soul, he was praying for saving Ganges from illegal mining.

But it was not that I was always a panoti for my lovers.

•  Morarji Desai deployed me successfully in 1974 when ensured dissolution of Gujarat Assembly and fresh elections.

•  Mamta Banerjee was successful in 2008 when she courted me for 26 days while fighting the Tata Nano Project. (though I feel shy to talk about this relationship!)

Some of my relationships are hanging in suspense.

•  Irom Sharmila’s poetic love for me for the past 11 years has not yet yielded any results.

• I feel quite shy to talk about my brief, passing affair with Baba Ramdev. The less said about it, the better.

• Anna Hazare used me briefly for 12 days last month. I do not yet know whether he succeeded or the Government, whether he left me or whether the media forced him to leave me, whether the Government will keep up its promise. I sincerely pray that he succeeds. I am not sounding negative because Kiran Bedi tried to usurp the heroine role from me through her self-proclaimed “Game changer” ghoongat act. Nevertheless I felt trivialized.

After 9 decades of experience, I have come to the conclusion that I do not determine the success or failure of our love. It is my lover, his stature, his charisma, his sincerity, nobility of his purpose and how well the purpose connects with the people, which result in the fruition of our love.

By now you would have guessed who I am.

Yes, I am ‘Political Fasting’!

Before I conclude, I should tell you about the insult I faced from Tamil Politicians and film personalities. They reduced me to a mere Item Girl; yes they invented “Token Fast”! Token for Srilankan Tamils, Token for Cauvery water and so on. Still worse was Karunanidhi, who went a step further and concluded his fast in 3 hours! That was perhaps a Mini Item Girl! (For those who know Tamil, “Eppadi irundha naan ippadi aayitten!”)

I am 90+ now. I am a yesteryear heroine- a Zeenat Aman, an Asha Parekh or a Wahida Rehman. I am ill suited for any more romance. 

My last request to you all. 

Mujh par daya karo!

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do!

Are you a Brahmin? Or...at least a vegetarian?

I was looking for taking a flat on rent in Mylapore, Mandaveli, R.A. Puram or Adayar in Chennai about two months back. I went through the classifieds columns of neighborhood newspapers.

I shortlisted 5-6 ads and started calling the landlords. The queries of all the landlords were typical. Just listen to a conversation with the first landlord.

 “Sir, I saw your ad in …….Can you tell me something about your flat?

“Two bedroom, hall, kitchen flat…about 1100 sq ft. Covered car park….Modular kitchen, complete wood work in both the bedrooms….”

“That’s good. What is the rent?”

“What is your budget?”

After a couple of hide and seek questions, he mentioned the rent and advance. Then…

“How big is your family?”

Perhaps he does not like too big a family. “We are four.”

“Your parents are with you?”

“No. My wife and two sons…”

He sounded satisfied. Perhaps he does not want old people. “How old are your sons?”

May be, he is not happy with infants or too small children.”Elder son is 21 years and is planning to write CAT. Younger one is 15 years old.”

“Is your wife working?”

‘How does it matter?’ I thought.

He explained. “Working women generally do not maintain their house properly. I don’t want my flat to be spoilt.”

Strange logic! Anyway my wife is a housewife and I pass this test.

“Are you a Brahmin?”

What? I did not understand the relevance of the question.

He repeated “Are you a Brahmin?”

“Yes.” But how does it matter?

I called the next landlord. Same sequence of questions till whether I am a Brahmin.

For a change I said “No. Are you a Brahmin?”

“No. But at least are you a vegetarian?”

Again for a change, I said “No”

He disconnected.

My next call was answered by a broker, a guy called Stephen.

When he asked whether I was a Brahmin or at least a vegetarian, I retorted “How does it matter?”

“No one wants nonsense or nuisance.”

“What nonsense? What nuisance?”

“You know, sir.” He did not want to elaborate.

The fourth landlord was forthright.”When I want the tenant to vacate, a Brahmin accepts without a word. It’s a scared race. I raise the rent after a year. He meekly accepts. He keeps the house neat and clean.”

Why a vegetarian?

“Brahmins are generally vegetarians. Even otherwise vegetarians are better. Non vegetarians spoil the kitchen. They eat everywhere except the dining table. Dinner plates remain in the bedroom unwashed throughout night. Stench.”

“How do you know?”

“It happens in my house. I don’t want the same in my flat.”

My cousin who lives in KK Nagar said he also faced similar questions when he was looking for a flat.

At this point I wrote my conclusion. I showed it to my friend. After reading the article, he drew a conclusion exactly opposite to mine! And it was equally logical! A second friend brought out a point which both of us had missed out.

I deleted my conclusion. I decided to leave it to the readers.

There is more than one lesson. It depends on the way one looks at it.

How do you look at this?

PS: As I was posting this, I got a call from Arumugam, the caretaker of my flat in Coimbatore. I had requested him to look for a tenant. “Sir, shall I look for Brahmins? Or at least vegetarians?”

Pride and Prejudice

My name is Arundhati Roy.

I was a non entity till 1996. I was doing all and sundry jobs. I acted in a couple of “no viewers” “no release” movies.

By an accident I wrote a novel, my only novel, The God of Small Things in 1996. By another accident the novel received Bookers Prize in 1997. Those beautiful two years! I started assuming that I was a cognizable, even an indispensable person in Indian politics and society.

But these ungrateful Indians ….

They ignored me. They sent me to political/social oblivion. I never pardoned them for this heinous crime.

I moved away from India. I filled the world with my opinions on 9/11 attacks, American invasion of Afghanistan, Palestinian issue, etc’.  Except “The Guardian”, no one took notice of me. What the hell has happened to the world? I learnt my first lesson- foreigners are no different from Indians.

Enough of international problems. I decided to turn back to Indian issues. After all, they are my fellow Indians….

I thrust myself into Narmada Dam issue. I participated in agitations I penned a series of inflammatory articles. I forced the Supreme Court to initiate contempt proceedings against me. Again ungrateful media- except the friendly Hindu and Frontline, no one gave a damn to these histrionics of mine. I could not take the place of Medha Patkar- Narmada Bachao Andolan was always associated with her name. I learnt my second lesson. Never work along with another social reformer, especially when the reformer is a genuine one.

Life was again miserable. India was moving forward without my help. I could not stand this. I had to force myself into some important issue. Some ungrateful Indians may call this the “attention deficit hyperactivity syndrome.”

I decided to focus on terrorism and naxalism. I had to say something which would catch media attention. I poured my wisdom on Afzal Guru matter- that he should not be hanged when the families of the security personnel who were killed in the Parliament attach were eagerly awaiting justice. What about the loss these families? Who cares? That’s not going to get me the eyeball.

Obviously this was not enough. I had to get more attention.

I turned to Naxals. I eulogized them as “Gandhians” and “patriots” while criticizing Indian Government action against them as terrorism. Who will sympathize with the victims of Nzaxals, some  serious-types questioned. I was simply rejoicing- Gosh, people have started taking note of me! At least they are taking my opinions seriously and responding.

I decided to venture into other terrorist related subjects. I argued for the Independence of Kashmir. Kasmir was never a part of India- another piece of wisdom from me. A howl went up from nationalists! Seditious speech! There were demands for my arrest. The government as usual was clueless. Why no action against Arundhati? Somebody woke Chidambaram out of his usual slumber and he uttered his wisdom “No action also is an action.”

This was towards the end of 2010. I was laughing my way to glory.

Little did I expect that this old man called Anna Hazare and his team would trample upon my new found fortune. They shot into limelight; more than that they continued to hog the limelight for over a year now. The media dropped me like hot potato. Has media become ungrateful again? I have to do something now. I bit my nails. Medha Patkar, my previous associate has joined “hail Anna” chorus. I bit my nails. Prashant Bhushan, again one more previous associate, has joined Anna’s Team. I bit my nails. Is every one ditching me?

I called The Hindu. At last one old friend who would stand by me. They confirmed that they had all the space in the world for my seditious, anti-national, communal views.

I poured scorn over Anna Hazare and his team. I questioned his secular credentials. Just as I saw the patriot in naxals, I managed to see the communal side of Anna- such a microscopic vision, which none of the 1.2 bill Indians can boast of! I compared Maoists armed attack with Anna Hazare’s drafting of Janlokpal Bill. Just because he has not said anything about Singur, Nandigram, Posco, etc, he doesn’t have any right to talk about corruption, I argued- a logic only a national newspaper like Hindu can appreciate!

I am happy with the result. There are hundreds of comments in the net, most of them critical of me, again most of them questioning my credentials.

I am still happy. I am being noticed!

Missing....

Manish Tewari has been missing from TV debates for the past one week. Did you notice? I am quite concerned; so are his longtime pals, the English News Channels. I decided to help them by placing this "Missing" ad:

Name	Manish Tewari
Missing for	The last one week
Clothes worn by him when lost	·     Blue shirt and black trousers ·     Lekin nanga ho gaya (Anna Hazare ke bare mein anab-shanab bol ne ke badh)
Age	46, but looks much older
Colour	Changes frequently
Looks	·     Pale, off late ·     Idiotic generally
Height	Shortened by ego.
Weight Surrounded by	Fattened by arrogance. . Idiots generally. . Jayanti Natarajan and Abhishek Manusinghvi in   particular.
Last seen	Blabbering incoherent things about Anna Hazare in TV Channels
If found	·     Please do not intimate anyone. ·     Certainly not the TV Channels
Reward for non-intimation	Blessings from 1.20 billion people of India.
Penalty for intimation	Curse, if not from 1.20 billion Indians, definitely from TV viewers.